The story of a Kahlan,

So I hace not posted in...well, well over 25 weeks yet again. I have forgotten about my silly LJ and do not post often, mostly bc i kno that ppl actually read this thing. I will not even attempt to sum up what has been happening this semester, all I know is that when i began writing in this two summers ago, I had a different motivation. Things were happy and covered in butterflies and ice creams and beach-going and friendships, and, dare I say, love. LJ brings back a lot of memories for me and I am at the place rite now where all i want to do is get rid of them. The last time i posted, i was grieving and the grieving has not stopped. I was very vague in my description as to why though. That is fine. I hope not to remember this experience for the pain it has caused me but rather for the person it has forced me to become. I want to be the person I have been writing about (in another journal :P). I read my old posts and realize how silly i was to be thinking about such unimportant things. Things in my life that bothered me just bc i couldnt change them. Now I write because I feel as thought all of those problems can be brought bak to me as long as the one thing i lost would be returned.

Anyway, that was a long rant, but I have the feeling that it is not over and it will not be over for quite a while. School is fine now. I came to terms with that issue and I just have to face the facts that I will be at this place for longer than I anticipated. No harm, really. I went and visited a new school this past semester and met some amazing new kids. Proof that not everyone is as horrible as i made them out to be. And I have also made a special bond with a dear friend of mine. We have been able to share our romantic frustrations with each other. I enjoy the company of this person greatly and consider him to be one of the best people for me because he does not judge me one bit or considers the situation as an infringent upon our relationship. He will never know how truly grateful I am for his companionship.

Secondly, I would like to say that I avioded writing a lot for the past several months because I have been exceptionally disinteresting. I find that I would have complained too much and would have lost way too many friends on this LJ thing. Your welcome, all ye adoring fans. Yeah everyone has probably forgotten about me anyways. Thats cool guys! Whatev! Anywho, Im going to bed after a long nite of decision -making.

so i have not posted in 25 weeks. I really should have. A lot has happened this semester. Many of which, i deeply regret. it has been so rough, that i honestly wish i could start it over. I still love my major very much, but it was occasionally giving me grief. However, there is one thing i dont regret. spending much more with my friends. they are so important to me, u have no idea. they have helped me thru so much, and for that i thank them.

However, know that there is someone out there who doesnt have to worry about me bothering them about never posting in here. they kno who they are and things are finished. that is all

I need to start over. a fresh new start. i need this. im the worst person about obsessing over happy experiences and wishing for them to continue. new experineces are so wonderful as well and i wish i were the kind of person who embraced those even more. Living for the moment instead of for the past. why cant i be that person?

anyway, sry to sound so grim. i feel like i have changed so much. which is good.....right?

So im going to b like dave and write about my new job too. teehee

Its going well. heh. granted, ive only been there 2 days, but still. Working at Westminster daycare with the 3 and 4 year olds. In fact, they dont even realize that im actually oberving them for a research project for the class that i am also taking rite now which is BIology. Its kind of like killing 2 birds with one stone...without the killing...

Anyway, I seem to be getting my exercise too at this place. The kids take turns having me spin them around or hold them by the arms while i jump up and down. So yeah. i get tired.

Lets see what else...ah yes. the tractor show is saturday. and chad is coming! so are my grandparents and my uncle. yays. then next week i will b all alone bc my fam is going to the beach. so if anyone wants to chill and hang out or whatev, just call me up! i;ll b bored and lonely anyway.

SO....yeah....that is the story so far. I miss school and friends. i feel busy yet lonely. :( i dont kno anyone in my class and i play with little children. they are nice but its nothing like hanging out with ppl ur own age which i would like to do.

Anyway, im out

Peace

so things are getting a bit more routine....i go to school every morning and come home and swim before i go take care of the baby. Its an interesting routine and i enjoy it. they only thing is, i still...now brace urself....do not have a job. I really dont want one and i really do not have time for a serious one, but my mom insists on me having one. ive looked everywhere. but i do have my standards and i guess im too picky about where i work. I do not want to work every weekend bc i do stufff on weekends and i cant work in the morning bc off school. but whatev...im about to give up and run away from home. maybe i can live in a box on the street since no one will hire me and i can buy some cheap poison and end it all......

On a happier note, ashley got a new baby maincoon kitten. it is soo soft and cute! and i am going to spoletto on friday. i cannot WAIT! ive got to get out of here. i miss chad so much. i kno u just saw him on sunday (he came up for pirates and rob's b-day party) but i hate being away from him. he may be the only reason i do anything i am suppose to and try my hardest to stay out of trouble. i do it all for him. the reason im getting a job is so i can save up money so we will b able to live together someday.

anyway, i have a stomachache so im gonna peace.

K, so i stole this from Leni cuz i b bored :)

1.WHAT'S YOUR SISTER'S NAME?
Kate to me...katie to others

2. WHAT WERE YOU DOING 10 MINUTES AGO?
cleaning the bathroom in my underwear ;)

3. WHAT'S YOUR BEST FRIENDS NAME?
Rachel!!

4. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?
that red one in the yard...

5. IF YOU WERE A COLOR, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?
green!

6. MTV, BET, OR VH1?
vh1 baby

7. WHAT'S YOUR BF/GF'S NAME?
Chad!!

8. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE RIGHT NOW, WHERE WOULD THAT BE
wherever chad is...

9. NAME A PERSON THAT STARTS WITH THE LETTER "D"?
uh DAVE!

10. WHERE'S THE BEST PLACE TO GET ICE CREAM?
coldstone i guess

12. DO YOU HAVE A JOB?
......yeah rite

13. HAVE YOU EVER QUIT A JOB?
no but ive wanted to grr...

14. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL?
umm band and chorus!

15. DO YOU LIKE PICKLES?
yeah!! even fried pickels

16. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR PHONE?
black

17. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TOMORROW?
going to see pirates with lots of cool kids

18. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU GOT DRUNK?
HAH! uhh i dont remember actually...

19. ARE YOU EASY TO GET ALONG WITH?
psh nope

20. WHAT MOVIE DO YOU WANT TO SEE RIGHT NOW?
pirates 3 dammit!!

21. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE "SCARY MOVIE" 1,2,3, OR 4?
never seen 'em

22. WERE YOU EVER IN LOVE WITH LEONARDO DI CAPRIO?
uh no

23. FAVORITE N*SYNC-ER?
uh wasnt a fan

24. WHO'S BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP?
Rob's!!

25. DO YOU LIKE STARBURSTS?
yeah!!! i love starburt jellybeans! but i hate the lemon and grape ones...i love the tropical flavors....they are amazing,,,

26. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO SEA WORLD?
yeah

27. IS DANNY TANNER THE COOLEST DAD EVER?
er no....way too strict.....and i cant stand that :(

29. HOW MANY KID'S DO YOU WANT?
uh i dont even want to go there...

31. ARE YOU JUDGEMENTAL?
yeah... im a little bitch....but my friends say ive gotten a lot better

32. DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO WORSHIPS THE DEVIL?
NO

34. DO YOU PRONOUNCE "OFTEN" AS "OFF-EN" OR "OFF-Ten?
um how about erf-fen cuz i b gangsta like dat

35. DO YOU KNOW ANYONE FROM ALASKA?
uh huh

36. ARE YOU A FAN OF FOOTBALL?
nah

37. WHAT 'CLIQUE' DO YOU DESPISE?
that one over there....ew

38. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
abercrombie!!!

39. HAVE YOU EVER LIED TO A FRIEND?
yes :(

40. DID YOU TALK TO A BOY/GIRL YOU LIKED TODAY?
umm yah of course...and ppl i hate too....jk

41. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN MOVIE THEATERS?
i dont even remember!!

42. HOW DO YOU MAKE MONEY?
i sell my own blood and organs....at least the ones im not using...like my liver

43. DO YOU LIVE IN THE GHETTO?
naw

45. EVER BEEN ON TV?
yes!!! i was on the news once!!

wow...i havent updated in a loooong time.....

Well i dont feel like summing up the end of this semester anyway. It certainly wasnt as fun as last semester though. Exams were easier, but there was just something about last year

I dont hang out with the same ppl for one thing. In fact, the only person i really hang out with is chad. Well, chad and the ppl who hang around him. Why doesnt anyone want to hang around me the same way pll hang around him. Is he better than me? Am I missing something? Anyway, i need more friends. And i need friends who are girls. I did make some awesome friendships with some ADPi girls this year and they are a lot of fun. I hope I can be especially good friends with them later on, especially with maria. She is so sweet and we get along great. I may even join the sorority. I just have to find the money for it.

What else is new....I am sick, and its raining. :( Chad is at home playing his new Wii. Im sitting here bored. at least we get to go to Alyssa's wedding tomorrow. I miss her so much. We could have had a great friendship together if she had stayed. I feel like most of my friends are getting married or about to. I dont get it. Whats with the rush? I have so many things i want to do in life. Do i really have to b married to do them? Like I want a boat. My own boat. I have wanted one for the longest time. But as a music major I doubt i will ever get one. I guess I could always save my money, live in an awful house, and not have kids. Whatev. Im too depressed to talk about this, that for sure,.....

so whats new....

Well Dave put this lovely gorgeous (sarcasm) pic of me up on facebook that he took in history class! :(

Im going out tonight....not sure what its gonna b like only bc these ppl seem crazy but a lot of fun. Maybe i will try and be the bigger person and b nice to dave since he is being mean.

I just finished a really good book called Darkwitch Rising. It did not have the ending that I was expecting though. Usually Im pretty good at predicting ending but this one took me by surprise. Im still not reallly sure what happened actually.

I got in trouble at the music library. Apparently throughout this entire semester we were suppose to have checked the shelves. I did not know. My boss came to me and was like, u have not shelved at all this year. I had no idea. That made me really upset bc i was not informed about any shelving. :(

Im really sad. Mostly about that. If i cant even do a good job at the music library where there is hardly anything u are required to do there anyways, then how am i ever going to have a real job. Im also im trouble in that dept. I just know mom is going to make me work at a drugstore or the country omlete which smells like smoke. I think id rather die.

So life is not that good. It could certainly b better. I feel like i have a lot of work to do but chad really wants me to spend some time with him today. I hurt everywhere againg this morning....its bc i keeep having these terrible dreams of me being beaten to death and then waking up in terrible pain,.........i think i need to see someone :(

Yes, it is over....it was relaxing tho. I had a bunch of projects to start on but did i start them? No i did not.

Rachel got married. It was a lovely wedding. We danced a lot and had a great time. She has moved to Fayetteville and I am sad :(. Who knows when we'll see her again.

KYLARA!!! A message for you....James hielpern's movie nite is may 26th at 7. Do u think u and james would like to come with me? im sure we'll get the date right this time!!

Must update since its been like forever....

Did not get to go to sunny, beautiful florida to see my grandparents, much to their disappointment, for spring break. Instead, i'll b....well doing who knows. taking the stupid praxis that is just a bother, doing school projects, and babysitting Thomas, who scares me when he cries bc i dont kno what the hell to do with him. I am not use to babies.

I got in a car accident last weekend after an awesome night of midnight bowling with Pierson, Hope, and Chad. I was driving around looking for a job, mostly just so i could go to florida, when i ran into a car. My car has been in the shop for a week now and my parents are mad at me. I almost had to ride with dad and kate to school who leave at like 7 in the morning. geez

Well, at least i will get to see some of the coolest peopl in the worl tomorrow for an all day party at Brian's. And there is Rachel;'s wedding on Thursday, which is just going to b awkward. Anyways, I am looking forward to seeing JJ and Heather again since they are cool cool peeps. And kylara, who I hope is reading this post rite now.

I cant say i want summer to b here bc i like school and i will miss chad and i dont have a job, which im in a lot of trouble in rite now. I have enjoyed this weather tho and i just cant wait until it gets warm. I miss summer, but im not looking forward to it. my parent, my job-to-be, and chad have all ruined my love of summer. (chad ruined it only bc i hardly see him during the summer).

Anyways, that was my rant. I wish i could run away to see my grandparents rite now. i miss them. :( i was looking forward to that trip so much :(

I am tired....but very happy.

I hope this feeling lasts forever......

YAAAAAAAAAAY! SNOOOOOW DAAAAAAAAY! How excited am I. I was more excited when there were big flakes. Now its just raining. I don't want to go out there and get wet, but it is pretty to look at! I love snow so much. :)

So classes are obviously cancelled. I was getting worried about that for a while. So now I dont have to worry about my lesson or that dreaded theory test! Hooray! I will need to figure out some say to get up to winthrop this weekend bc i need to practice clarinet for my playing test tuesday.

Went to see St. Olaf last night and let me tell you something. It has been a long time since I've heard anything so beautiful. I have never heard a sound quite like that in my life. They had such a clear, pure sound! I absolutely loooved it. I think A Spotless Rose, Vanity of Vanities, and Water Night were my favorites. They did such a great job with Water Night. It was the most expressive, intersting, and beautiful versions I have ever heard.

Anyways, so thats about it over here. Hope to at least go back to Winthrop Saturday for a Music Ed. conference class thing. Should b fun.

Lata

:( I cannot sing. My voice is nearly gone. :( whyyyyyyyyy? maybe its bc i yell too much. and i yell bc im angry and im angry bc ppl are mean to me. so, its really ur fault that im sick, bitches!

I love this baby...he is a dream

So what have I been up to....

my voice lesson went extremely well today. Apparently i have developed a much better tone all of the sudden. Wheee. Lets hope piano goes just as well.

Ky i read ur myspace comment and i resent it....but i luv u anyways

Observing band tomorrow and theory test thurs. I am scared out of my mind. I heard BT's tests were crazy hard! almost unpassable!!! aaaaaaaaaah

Oh and its cool, Chad, that u never write in here anymore. I would say something about u in here but chances are, u will never see it ;) but I <3 u dearly.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand that is all i have

So yes...another day another dollar....

Anywho, this was my easy day of classes and i still felt overwhelmed. When will it end!? I practiced a lot today on piano and clarinet. Go me.

So I have this neat idea. I dont usually like playing matchmaker but i think i have a nice solution for 2 ppl with similar circumstances. I would never put anyone together unless i though even something as simple as a nice friendship would come of it. SO there. that is all i am going to say about that for now.

I may go visit the precious baby tomorrow with dad. I have never seen anything so beautiful. When I held him for the 1st time, i didnt want to give him up. He's this perfect, tiny, person! I'm not use to babies, but I def. love this one already.

Writing a paper on Reverie soon. yay! Debussy is the man

hmm what else....I guess thats it

So....the first week of classes is over and it wasn't that bad. I'm taking like 1 more hour this semester, but like 2 extra classes and only 1 ensemble. Only music and ed. classes. At least i have friends in every class. Thats always a good things. I dont know what I would do without my friends. I'd be in middle school again! ha ha. ok that wasnt as funny as i had hoped.

Anyway, so I really miss Deguchi now. I kno last year i was missing Ramsey but i miss Deguchi now. Thats mostly bc when Dr. Thompson talks, I can barely hear a word he says. That and the fact that our personalities are the total opposite of each other. What luck! :(. He is quiet and reserved and i'm.....well im not quite that. I like my EDUC 250 teacher tho. Her son is a music major and she is really nice. Other than that I'm pretty much with the same ppl. Oh and a new guy in EDUC 275, which i am in there with Leni and Tessa. Again, yay for friends.

Speaking of which, Courtney and I decided to make our New Year's Resolution be that we spend more time with our gfs than with our bfs. That worked out perfectly this weekend seeing as how Chad and Taylor were both away doing sinfonian secrety thingys. So I got to chill a bit with her and Melissa and Shelli and all was right with the world. i have found where I lacked balance.

Other news....

Steph had her baby at around 2:30 Sat. night. Hooray! And, it is a boy. I still have not gotten to see it yet (my grandparents left to go see him without me this morning :(.

So I suppose that is all. We'll see if this turns out to b another good year at the WU. oh and no school tomorrow! yesssss

Apparently I was lazy, non-energetic, uncaring, out of tune and whatever else last year only to my current knowledge. I sometimes think that college does not care what the hell "trying you best" means. I have learned something though. Never take night classes. Apparently i do not focus and I most def. sing at my worst. Congrats, Avi...you suck. :(

Im almost ready to quit. Seriously I am. and i am so dumb for being sad about that. I hate being so emo emo. but stuff offends me and i hafta let it out.

did you know that they made ipods safe for children? just put ipod in a "tadpole" (which looks like a steering wheel- kid toy) and the kid can play with it....weird.

For my fellow SOT lovers...and for those who have ALREADY READ Phantom....

Just finished Phantom last night since i just got it for christmas. All i can say is GO kahlan. I just love that girl. She is turning out to be more and more like our dear Richard. I seriously thought he was going to save her in this book. Anyways, so many coincidences and crazy stuff. I just can't wait until the next book comes. Yet, I am concerned that there was some clue back in the other books that tell us whether or not Richard's book of memorized spells was the true book. Didnt it say that somewhere? I dunno. Still, I loved the book. I found that Chainfire wasn't quite as exciting in the middle as this one was.

So, I realize that I haven't written in a while and for that, I apologize. Ky I will miss you. All of my other Winthrop friends, ican't wait to see you again!

Well, today I went bike riding with Brian! He has a bunch of vidoe games and an old PS he wants to give to me. I dont think my mom will be pleased since she's not crazy about vidoe games. im excited anyway :) So i guess thats why Im hyper and not emo like i was in that last entry. I think my parents had been yelling at me or something.

Lata

ever feel like ur waiting for something to happen sometimes! I feel like i am waiting....but...what for? Sometimes i just wish I knew what was going to happen or I wish i were older or something....:(

Well well well....I had a super fantasitic weekend. It mostly consisted of laying around the house with my grandparents and Chad. It was very nice. We went to Faye's costume party and I took Kate to Narroway production. I was really awesome and I can now see why the kids back at WCCS liked it so much. Kate's chorus teacher was also there, so of course we talked about music stuff. That seems to be all I know these days. I guess thats a good thing.

Anyway, after the play, I met up with Ashley, Rachel, Kent and Faye to go to this Haunted Trail scary thing. It was pretty scary, mostly bc it had lots of spiders in it. Rachel cling to me the entire time with her eyes shut while Faye just laughed! Weird kids.

So it was a nice weekend. Today I found out that I have a solo in Glee Club! Yay! Its going to be weird though because its an alto solo. It shouldnt be too bad though. So i am really trying to enjoy life right now before i have to start work on my ridiculous theory project that I got today. I have to find pl to sing it, i have to make it interesting while following all these ridiculous rules, i have to record this stuff, and worst of all, I dont remember anything about Finale. I think im pretty much screwed. I am almost to the point where i am willing to pay someone to do this thing for me so I dont have to!! Geez I am lazy.

Man, do I love to dwell on past happenings....what is my problem....

Just cleaning out my mailbox right before I had planned to write a nice, positive entry for tonight when i read a few of my ex's e-mails from last year. they were horrific. I was such a fool to let him get away with such verbal abuse. Oh! the lies! It was terrible! :( I am so glad he is across the country bc old scars have been uncovered this night and I feel like beating him over the head. How was I able to remain so calm during his cursing at me and ranting about lies that he made up!That bastard! To think I was such friends with his gf he cheated on me with...and she told me so many things about him .We talked about him for hours and then she goes and lies to him about me. Unless he was lying about her to me. Anyway, they were so rude. I have never met such impossibly vile people in my life! I was naive and dumb for falling for thier trickery. I was such a silly freshman who believed that I could certainly find good in everyone and that is what I had tried to do. I gave her a chance and I thought she had taken it willingly. Instead she used that to make him furious with me for even considering to be her friend! I know there is no use in talking about this now, even though I know better and it was a terrible mistake that I have learned from. They are dishonest people. I am glad I got out of it when i did before it got worse. Still....unbelievable.

Well, on that note, I think I better go before I write some more about this. I dwell on the past because I wish so badly that I could change it until I realize that things like that happen for a reason. I wanted him to be my very first serious boyfriend bc i thought we had a lot of things in common like the whole music thing. wsnt cautious and I got hurt. I have learned...Here we are a year later though, and the exact opposite feelings are happening. I trust a guy I love dearly because he has proven his respect for me and I cannot doubt it. It is more magnificent than anything. I cannot let the past hurt me forever because what pain doesnt kill you can only make u stronger.

Well, nite friends